Recently I’ve been walking through life, through marriage,through parenting. Floating by, watching. Just a little bit empty.
I can’t place my finger on when it happened, but I feel like a slowly leaking water balloon.
I will usually just turn on Netflix to distract me from this emptiness, but even that isn’t working.
My house is dirty. I keep trying my best but it just stays that way. I’m tired so much, that I’m snapping at my husband. I am ashamed to admit it, but my tiny toddlers have become tiny terrorists to me. I don’t know what to do with them so I do what I can until it’s time to put them to bed then I don’t know what to do again.
Last night after struggling all day to align myself with the leading of the Holy Spitit I came home from another function at church. My husband was playing his game which is typically my cue to wrap myself in the cocoon of Netflix and chill…without the chill…but I just didn’t feel like it. I don’t know what I felt like doing really. TV seemed like a source of disgust. The kids were sleeping. I am weak from pregnancy so cleaning or crafting only felt like an unattainable option.
So I sat.
I had a flicker of remembrance about the divine nature that is already implanted in me even when I don’t feel like it. I remembered the words of King David “When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the rock that is higher than I” (Psalm 61:2) so then where is my rock? Where is my stability? Where is the living water that I can drink and thirst no more?
Man does not live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Father…
I fanatically searched for my bible which I have misplaced. If I’m honest it’s displaced due to my personal disinterest. I couldn’t find it but I didn’t give up! I grabbed my husband’s bible. Distracted and disoriented I began to read.
John 1: In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God.
I fell in and out of concentration and it seemed as if maybe my heart was reading but my mind was not. I was distracted. I almost gave up. I thought “why even try to read when I’m not paying attention to the words?” But my heart, itself, had taken on the race to get to the rock that is higher than I.
My soul itself yearned for the love of my life Jesus Christ as my mind struggled to catch up. I decided to let the words wash over me even halfheartedly.
I just needed to be exposed to it and let the living water touch me.
I am not fully O.K., but I am better today.