0

Depression and Spiritual Emptiness 

Recently I’ve been walking through life, through marriage,through parenting. Floating by, watching. Just a little bit empty.

I can’t place my finger on when it happened, but I feel like a slowly leaking water balloon.

I will usually just turn on Netflix to distract me from this emptiness, but even that isn’t working.

My house is dirty. I keep trying my best but it just stays that way. I’m tired so much, that I’m snapping at my husband. I am ashamed to admit it, but my tiny toddlers have become tiny terrorists to me. I don’t know what to do with them so I do what I can until it’s time to put them to bed then I don’t know what to do again.

Last night after struggling all day to align myself with the leading of the Holy Spitit I came home from another function at church. My husband was playing his game which is typically my cue to wrap myself in the cocoon of Netflix and chill…without the chill…but I just didn’t feel like it. I don’t know what I felt like doing really. TV seemed like a source of disgust. The kids were sleeping. I am weak from pregnancy so cleaning or crafting only felt like an unattainable option.

So I sat.

I had a flicker of remembrance about the divine nature that is already implanted in me even when I don’t feel like it. I remembered the words of King David “When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the rock that is higher than I” (Psalm 61:2) so then where is my rock? Where is my stability? Where is the living water that I can drink and thirst no more?

Man does not live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Father…

I fanatically searched for my bible which I have misplaced. If I’m honest it’s displaced due to my personal disinterest. I couldn’t find it but I didn’t give up! I grabbed my husband’s bible. Distracted and disoriented I began to read.

John 1: In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God  and the Word was God.

I fell in and out of concentration and it seemed as if maybe my heart was reading but my mind was not. I was distracted. I almost gave up. I thought “why even try to read when I’m not paying attention to the words?” But my heart, itself, had taken on the race to get to the rock that is higher than I.

My soul itself yearned for the love of my life Jesus Christ as my mind struggled to catch up. I decided to let the words wash over me even halfheartedly.

I just needed to be exposed to it and let the living water touch me.

I am not fully O.K., but I am better today.

Advertisements
0

Bounce houses and parenting 

I’ll be the first to tell you that as a wife and mother my nurturing instincts usually make me think that I am right and my husband is wrong. 

Alas I learned a lesson this weekend about the value of co parenting and the fact that my husband, at times, is so very right 🙂 

I was drawn to this bright red and blue obstacle course with climbing walls and rollers! Being in my third trimester I had to restrain myself from jumping in! 

So I did what mothers are supposed to do and suggested that my 3 year old son tackle the beast with the help of my husband of course. 

They started the course with thrills and giggles as I watch my baby boy glow with victory as he tumbled over the first wall. 

All was well, I had created a memorable moment for my little guy and boosted his courage. Plus since I couldn’t go in so someone had to! 

I turned away for a bit only to find that my enthusiastic husband had conquered the course leaving my son to battle in the trenches all by himself. 

I was mortified to find his little face pressed against the mesh walls overwhelmed by the hanging rubber flaps in his way. I watched his nervousness turn to terror as the only way out was to finish! 

Of course I turned to my husband demanding that he go in and get him but to my dismay my husband refused to listen. I plead with him thinking that going in after my son was the only rational response to this situation. After realizing that my healthy dose of nagging was not going to change my husbands position, I stormed off saying “I’m not just going to stand here and watch this.” 

Seconds later I see my husband trailed by his mini version skipping along as if nothing occurred.  “And just how precisely did you get him out of there?” I asked.  “Well I coached him though it of course, now he knows that with a little hard work and help he can get though just about anything.” 

I admit in that moment my mom madness that I was so desperately holding on to started to fade. My instinct was to rescue my son, although his methods were slightly questionable my husband’s method was to teach my son! 

What a difference another perspective makes!