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I Failed Today

 

My morning began in an unexpected way… I went to Jack in the Box for their oh so delicious breakfast and instead of a routine snack stop I ended up in a shouting match with a grown man, who was threatening to hit my car, with my child in the back seat as I screamed and threatened to call the police.

This folks was not my finest hour. You see, he and I pulled into the drive through at different angels. I was sure I was first he was sure he was first. As I proceeded, he tried to ram my car and mayhem ensued. You may be thinking to yourself “Good for you! Stand up for yourself, Don’t let him run you over “literally,” this guy is an Idiot.” While that all may be true….

I Failed Today.

I felt as if I was watching myself scream and shout with this guy over who gets breakfast first. I was almost looking down on myself thinking “hey girl what are you doing, you know better, so do better.”

The fact is,  it didn’t matter what percentage of this was his fault; my soul was filled immediately with about 1000 scriptures that rebuked my behavior.

When someone asks you to walk a mile with him go with him twain (2 miles)

We are to turn the other check

They will know that you are my disciple by the love you have for one another.

Let your good works shine before men so that they may look upon your God and honor him

Do not repay evil for evil

And my personal favorite, Do not answer a fool according to his folly or you will also be like him!

And so there I was, I had become a fool in the midst of another fool. I missed an opportunity to honor God by showing grace and humility in the face of wrong doing. If my 15 month old child could understand what was going on I failed to show him the right way.

Its funny the scripture says that we hide the word in heart so that we may not sin against God. I was forced to memorize this in Children’s Church as a young girl. I knew what it meant but I was just reciting it so that I can get the next shinny badge on my vest. But now as time has passes, you find that the Holy Spirit dwelling inside you just will not let you sin without undergoing this check list of scriptures tucked away in your heart. 

I failed today, then I asked God for forgiveness. I understand why some reading this blog will think this is no big deal. But I am reminded in Ephesians 5:

“Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, 16 making the most of your time, because the days are evil. 17 So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; 20 always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father; 21 and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.”

The cross reference between being Drunk with wine and being Filled with the Spirit is a simile. potato headDrunkenness is debauchery and leads to all sorts of evil because it takes over your senses and makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do, Instead we should be filled with the Holy Spirit in such a way that His will takes over our senses and makes us do things we wouldn’t normally do.  This includes not getting into shouting matches at Jack in the Box even if you are right.

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Running to my Husband & Running to Christ

I cried watching “Tarzan King of the Jungle” a couple of weeks ago. In fact I cry quite often and I celebrate if I make it 2 days without some sort of meltdown. What causes this you may ask? Well…. I am 6 months pregnant! I work full time! I have a 1 year old, We stretch our money at the end of every month and it never seems like enough! I have a fantastic husband, who like all spouses, can sometimes find the worst time to say the worst thing and tip you over the edge of sanity.

This is real life. This is marriage.

I have always been a private person when it comes to crying. No I don’t want you to hold my hand, pat me on the back or hug me tight. Mid meltdown I just want to curl up in a ball in an empty room and cry my eyes out, as I think about how stupid it is that I am crying over situation X (Insert overly dramatic non life threatening situation here)

My husband and I “had words” as the old folks say…I felt the tears welling up in me. Maybe because of the shame of vulnerability, or because I felt the victim and he the guilty party, maybe because of my pride, and maybe because I love him too much to let him see he has hurt me. I went to my bed room and cried. I let it all out, I tried to do it quietly so that he won’t be alarmed but loud enough so he may hear and take pity on me.

What do I want any way? How would I like to see this meltdown resolved? Is separating myself from my husband only drawing me deeper into a pit. So I prayed… Because that is what I do. In a still small voice I felt the Lord calling me out of my private hole I had dug for myself.  Forcing me step by step, to bare my insecurities, my fragility, my hurt.  I want to be strong, strong enough to be offended and be able to give my husband the silent treatment. But… I also want to be weak, weak enough to let myself be held by the one I love, comforted by the very one I felt caused the pain.

So I hesitated, I saw my husband playing his X box, which is his way of escape. Maybe even sometimes his secret hole when things get tough. Although he has told me before that if he is playing a game and I really need him, I can interrupt him, I have never believed it. “He’ll get upset,” I thought, “He’ll have to back out of a game with live players.” Just more of a reason to shrink back into my solitude.

But my mind was made up, along with the encouragement from my heavenly Father…. “Run to Him!” you are hurt,  you are crying, you are stressed, you think you have hurt him, you believe he has hurt you? “Run to Him!” You think he won’t want to be bothered with you? You think he is the one who should be running to you… I don’t care “Run to Him.”

And so I did, tears streaming down my face I timidly tapped him on the shoulder. Somehow the very person I wanted to be farthest from, I wanted to be nearest to as well.  He did seem annoyed… I told him “I need you.” “For what?” he said confused, mid game. “I just do I need you!”

I almost allowed his annoyance at my vulnerability give me an excuse to run and hide again. To allow my pride Lion to roar and say “SEE I told you to stay quiet, stay hurting, stay to yourself.”Silhouette woman run under blue sky with clouds

But I pushed past it. Nothing, not even my husband, was going to stop me from running to the one I loved and needed.

So we sat, I held him tight, I nuzzled under his arm pit, where my head seems to fit perfectly. He didn’t seem engaged, he wasn’t sharing the moment with me. But I didn’t care. I held even tighter, I wrapped my arm around him, I began to stroke his hand, I held on to him for dear life.

Slowly his body began to lose its tension, he held his head back and looked up to the sky. I didn’t have to tell him what was wrong. He never asked. Somehow, we both knew. We knew that my tears were about more that our little argument. We knew that we had each other, and we knew that it would pass.

After minutes in this divine encounter, like many men would, he got up and declared “I’m Hungry, want anything babe?”

I knew it was over. The storm had passed and suddenly all of the weight of life that was pressing me, was lifted from my shoulder. All because I ran to the one who I was trying to hide from.

I learned a profound lesson that day. Isn’t this what we do with God too? When we sin we believe he is disappointed in us, that he hates us and we hide our face. Or when we experience tragedy we feel as if we are the victim and God the offender, and we run from Him.

But what if we muster enough strength to climb out of our hole where we hide our pain, our shame and our guilt? What if we Run to the Lord baring our fragility and throw ourselves at Him, knowing that somehow He can take the pain away? What if we Run to Christ like I ran to my Husband?