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Viva le Romance!

usSo you’re a young married couple, holding hands, giggling, coping the occasional feel. On lookers say in a low sarcastic tone… “Oh they must be in the Honey Moon phase!” What is this Honey Moon phase really? How long does it last? Is there a ticking time bomb of impending doom threating to bring lifelessness and drudgery to my marriage?

Much like other young married couples my husband and I have been told that all the couing and cuddling will fade away. Well I don’t want that to happen! But is it realistic to think that my relationship will be the exception? Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I have had our fair share of blow outs but we love each other, we are affection and honestly he drives me WILD!

Just the other day I was relentlessly texting the hubs for him to call me when he had a moment. He left out of a meeting in  with a rushed tone, he wanted to know what was wrong. My response, “Nothing babe, I just miss you and wanted to talk to you” He replied “Well I thought it was an emergency!” … “No babe just an emergency of love!”

Ok I admit I even threw up a little in mouth when I heard myself 🙂 ! But it was the truth. He is my best friend and I wanted to hear him. I miss him when I am at work.

When I left that conversation with my husband I felt all lovie dovie, because we were in a good place; I could feel his love and he could feel mine. But I couldn’t help but wonder, how long will this last? How long will I continue to miss his voice, his smell, his kiss? They say it fades away so what is my time limit on this honey moon thing?

But who says their must be a  limit on love an affection! It would be naïve to suggest that a relationship does not have its dry spells. But I am declaring war on my ticking time bomb! I am consciously setting out to disbelieve the “Honey Moon” theory and keep feeling butterflies when my husband walks through the door.

Here is a list of ways to say Viva le Romance in your own extended Honey Moon; some of which have been passed down to me from wise counsel, and some I have found that just work for me.

1. Tell him he is hot all the time: I comment regularly on my husband’s attractiveness I want him to know I am his number one fan.

2. Try pet names: I read an article that couples whose marriages endure, typically had pet names for each other. What seems so simple is actually a sign of endearment. Some of my favs for my hubs, babe, sweet pea, honey, boo, booski :). As a matter of fact I call him babe so much, it actually feels strange to use his real name.

3. Hold hands often: Studies have shown that physical touch has a lasting powerful effect. Young families are busy, we have children, school and work. There isn’t a lot of time for romance, but what about reaching for your partners hand in the middle of your favorite TV show. What takes very little effort can show your husband he is desired.

4. Take walks: We are both in the battle for physical fitness, why not try doing it together. I find that our night walks make for great fun and great conversation!

5. Say and do inappropriate things when no one is looking: You can let your imagination run on this one. Remember to still honor God in public 🙂 But a pinch on the tuchus when no one is looking adds an exhilarating element to a relationship. It will feel like you are dating again!

6. Make a big deal about him when he comes home: The world runs both of you down during the day. When you reunite make sure your partner knows this is the best part of your day. Sometimes If I see my husband pulling up I greet him at the door with a kiss, or vise versa.

7. Buy little things for each other: Letting your husband know that you thought of him in line at the grocery store enough to pick up his favorite candy goes a long way.

8. Be his friend: This one I took from someone much wiser than I am, and this is from a man’s perspective. A husband wants a best friend, someone with whom he can laugh, cry and dream with!

 

 

 

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The New Normal

True-Love-with-a-Happy-MarriageThe New Normal..  I ran into a young lady I knew, while shopping at Macy’s. I haven’t seen her in ages and we caught up with the usually small talk. I told her that I had a baby and he was nearby with his dad right now.To this she responded…. ” I can’t believe someone like you has a baby! I just thought you were such a goodie goodie.” I stared at her…. crickets chirping… perplexed.

“What’s wrong with having a baby,” I say. I didn’t want to implicate her issue because she had her daughter out of wedlock. I understand that it happens. There is peace, restoration and redemption for stepping out of God’s will for the family, besides a baby is always a blessing.  However how do I correct this young lady by telling her that I happen to have a child with my husband to whom I am married. And furthermore why is your first presumption that I had my child out of wedlock?

Well its the New Normal! Followers of Christ along with non-believers for years have written off sexual sin as an unstoppable desire of the flesh. Forgetting that the scripture tells us:

2 Peter 1:3 “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.”

Philippians 2:13 “ for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”

Have we gone so far from the idea of a biblical family that when I mention my son, one’s first inclination is that I am not married and furthermore that his father is probably not involved in his life?

I admit I have never seen the show, The New Normal, but I understand the premise. Its 2014, the family structure is different. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce.  Blended families and 2nd and 3rd marriages are the norm. Having children before marriage is no longer the exception, its now the norm and the absence of Fathers is at an all time high.

Another young lady I know was dating a man she was particularly head over heals for. She told me, to my complete confusion, ” I want him to be my baby daddy.”  My response was… ” well what about you wanting him to be your husband?”  To which she replied, “Whatever comes first.”

What ever comes first… So many young ladies are not holding men to a standard of commitment and responsibility. They no longer have to actually buy the cow to get the milk, so when it comes to a future relationship with them, the new normal is to take what you can get. To be his “main chick” to be his baby momma, verses demanding to be a wife first.

I once had a conversation with a friend that insisted that Media doesn’t have as much control over the masses as we “right wing conservatives” like to think so.  But shows like The New Normal and Modern Family, hilarious as it may be, are no longer subversive about challenging social mores. Its now championed and boldly found within the title of these sitcoms, that what we perceived to be normal is no longer normal, what we thought was consistent is now antiquated.

As an 80’s baby who had her coming of age in the 90’s, I remember when shows like 90210 and Dawson’s creek boldly defied typical media practices by showing young adults and even teens involved in sexual relationships on prime time TV. Slowly but surely, sex out side of marriage and alternative family life styles were no longer on the fringe but now its expected. Not only is it expected but if you dare to disagree you are banished to the land of bigots and small minded people.

Is it even a question what fruits the New Normal have yielded in society? What is being championed as freedom to choose, a sexual revolution, a nod in the direction of relativity, is evidenced in social decay. Fatherlessness has been statistically proven to lead to lower self esteem, depression, and it even makes you more likely to be incarcerated. Single parent homes often, but not always, find themselves financially struggling, leading to a greater demand for social services, And the children… the children who witness their parents giving up on each other, or those who have never met their fathers and the lasting impact we know it has on their development.

Maybe the New Normal is simply a slow decent into accepting a substandard of living… Taking what one can get instead of demanding the best.

I end on this note, possibly meant for another blog. I spoke with a man who is recently divorced, a father of 6 children with his wife. I don’t know the situation behind their story but as a new mom and new wife I can’t seem to wrap my mind around what would spur someone to give up, to not fight for legacy and family. To not fight for emotional well being a the clan that they created together. It hurts my heart… I guess its jut the New Normal.

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On raising multiracial kids

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If you would have asked me 20 years ago what I envisioned my child would look like I would probably think…yeah he will look like me. You know the same amber brown skin, dark eyes and negro hair :).

Now at almost 30 with a 9 month old I love more than life itself I find myself walking in a restaurant watching the eyes and my subconscious thinks…They think he isn’t yours!

I once had someone look at Jude’s picture, then back at me, then back at Jude and ask “Who is the baby.”

Or even while holding him people asking me if he is mine….

I want to shout to the world “He is all Mine! He sprung forth from my womb and I still have the baby fat to prove it” lol

So I find myself thinking what does it mean to have a child who doesn’t share my sun kissed hue? How do I raise him to be proud of everything he is, proud to be a man of color, and know that in our so called post racial world he is a Black Man and he has to know and understand what comes along with it.

So here’s the run down on my son’s racial and cultural milieu: I am black, I have black mom, I have a black dad, but of course like any other family we have a lineage that comes from Africa, Scotland, England, Native American, Asian and the West Indies. All my bothers and sisters have “light eyes” (except for me that that is for another blog), I am often told that I am mixed because of my long thick hair, I have been asked countless times if I am part Asian, a comment that I just cannot wrap my head around. (Did I mention I’m Black… Like…just regular Black)

Ok and here is the fun part culturally I have been a mixed bag that continues to shape who I am today. I am fluent and Spanish I lived in various countries, met my husband in Puerto Rico and I am a self proclaimed Bla-tina. I have spent some time in Asia and my nephew and his family who are now like family to me are Vietnamese. (Its pretty cool, as a black girl, to walk int Lee Pho’s Sandwhich Shop Downtown Cincinnati check it out! and be treated like family and get the strange looks from all the usually customers hehe) So I grew up with predominately Jewish friends (I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t going to temple in 3rd grade!) And now my husband and I fellowship with a group of Christian’s mostly comprised of South East Asians. (I asked and I was told that I can get my Indian card 🙂

And the fun doesn’t stop there! My husband is half Italian and half black, but every where he goes people think he is Mexican. He was adopted into a German and Romanian family and was raised in the Romanian orthodox church. My husband while bearing black genetics is culturally the furthest from it that I have ever seen. ( Before he met me he did not know what a YAM was… Yes people a YAM).

Is anybody else’s head spinning? So what will life for my son be like who is surrounded by cultural diversity and looks Hispanic but is more black than anything else?

I was once told that racism only persist to exist because people like me keep talking about it but I beg to differ. I think it still exist because when I was in the 4th grade a little white girl called me a derogatory term and her mom apologized to me for it as if she didn’t learn it from her.  I think it still exist because when I was 20 years old in college I was called the N word and spit at from a car. I think it still exist because just the other day my sister and I saw a white couple clutch their belongings and draw to the other side of the road when a young black boy crossed their path.

A friend recently told me “We will all soon be a pleasant shade of beige”

Will there be any rules I have to tell my little beige baby whom I love dearly? Will he ever be degraded as I have been?

The fact is I do not want people to not see color… I want Jude to see color and celebrate it. I want him to see his cultural background and enjoy the fact that diversity is a revelation of a God who has STYLE!

I don’t know all the answers but the one thing I will tell my little one  is this… Love God and Love Others the fullness of the law is fulfilled in these.

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8 Things you should NOT say to a C section mom

After my emergency C section I have been the target of many seemingly helpful moms who were lucky enough to give birth naturally, or even men sometimes who apparently received a crash course in midwifery or hospital management within the two seconds in which they were speaking with me. So I decided to create this list of 8 things you should Not say to a c-section mom…

1. “Oh I am so sorry… what happened.”

First of all there is nothing to be sorry about… I have a beautiful bouncing baby boy and I couldn’t be happier the fact that I didn’t push him out naturally is not the end of the world!

2. ” Did they give you pitocin? (medicine that induces labor)… Well that’s why your baby was in distress.”

Ohhh really? Thank you so much for your time you put in getting a medical degree and researching all of the available studies via google.. Here’s the thing research is inconclusive it is biased by the purpose of researching and most all on the longest and scariest days of my life when the doctor whom I trust suggest an intervention that will produce the goal of healthy baby healthy mom, I take it.

3. Did you get an epidural cus that’s what did it! 

Again the research on this topic actually leans in the other direction. Also it was my decision to get one, what would you say if you went to get a tooth extracted and they told you no anesthesia? And most of all be careful how you implicate that it is the mother’s fault she had a c-section whatever your personal views are be sensitive to the fact that she actually wanted a natural birth and has probably blamed herself for every incident concerning the birth. 

4. Do you plan to have more children? You know so many women are having successful V-BACs these days (Vaginal Births after C-sections).

Again…. This is kinda my choice along with my husband. I would prefer not to receive a lecture about C-section when any one woman facing a V-BAC has to consider that your chance of a ruptured uterus can result in your own death and death of your child. While it is a rare occurrence who wants to be the number 1 in a million. I have to put a lot of personal thought into what I will do next. 

5. Don’t worry you can try again!

-__- So you are implying that I failed?….. enough said

6. You know you wont be able to have more than 3 children.

Yes thank you I have considered that, as a matter of fact it grieves me to think about my body’s limitations for child bearing due to emergency c-section so let me deal with that grief…

7. Next time you should try home birth, birthing center, water birth etc

If you are a mom you know that the amount of advice one gets about birth is never ending the real truth is you have to find your own path. Find what you are comfortable doing and don’t pressure others. 

8. You know 1/3 births is a c-section because of impatient doctors and hospital administration wants to save money and cover their butts due to insurance liability.

This one is my favorite! Whether this is true or not telling me that myself and my precious son are all apart of a big insurance plot does not help me feel better. And by the way thank you for your extensive knowledge on insurance and hospital admin. One thing I do know is that when mothers used to birth for 3 days straight we ended up with a higher infant and mother mortality rate.

The honest truth is most of these things are said by friends because they are either truly passionate about their birthing experience, they are legitimately trying to make you feel better, or they just don’t know what to say. 

The fact is any mother, whose birthing experience did not go as planed is left confused and disillusioned and showing compassion and excitement at the end result, which is a beautiful baby is much more helpful then spouting off internet statistics. Image